Always tweaking something!

How Long?

Day 2588

Man, how long has it been?

I thought I kinda knew what it was like to be a little depressed. Holy shit – guess not. It’s so subtle, but so all encompassing. I (obviously) haven’t even the gumption to update here.

Officially, I stopped work Sept. 2. I’ve been doing tons of work in the bathroom, got that to the point where I’m in danger of finishing it. The current upcoming major task is tiling, but at least the painting is coming to a close.

Golf stopped, I won a whopping 6 balls at the end of season banquet. My partner & I won the end of season doubles tournament (all his fault, I golfed normal for me. He played his ass off.) then I won some award for the most bogeys (8) in a round. For me, 8 bogeys in one round is an exceptional feat. For a pro? It’s an early exit. Perspective.

Bowling started. My thumb got fat. Well, so did my gut, but letting go of the ball has been an issue for the last couple of weeks. Got that fixed tonight and had my thumb hole opened up. After taking a game or so to learn how to throw a ball that fits, I think everything will be fine there.

Got on my bike and rode for the first time in a month. Felt good, but the time/speed sucked. And really? I chafed in a “not family friendly” area. Wasn’t underwear rubbing – had to be lack of wear. And we’ll leave it at that.

Seriously – I want to call Annette – my old, original therapist. Besides dealing with spousal substance abuse (like the whole booze thing with Cindy {and tonight was special!}) Where are my parentheses? Aww fuck it. I got home from bowling tonight, expecting an empty house – Cindy was to be chaperoning a soccer match. Instead, I came home to a spouse that could barely stand. Hot tub time? Heh. I had no trouble changing into my suit. Cindy? Hoo boy.

Oh yeah – Annette deals with work issues too. Not like I’m going to go back and change anything there, but I have hopes that she can help with the whole “getting applications put in” process. Yeah – it’s that bad. I’m hanging a whole lot of hopes on this TUV job thing and haven’t done much elsewhere. It’s hard to work up the give a shit.

Oddly, I want to work with Annette. She’ll give me someone to be accountable to (too whom I will be accountable?). That in itself says a lot. Also? I regret dropping my Al Anon meetings. There’s a story behind that, but I’ll save that for later.

It’s incredible – the depth of the “I don’t give a shit”. I never thought it would be like this . . .

Edited to add: It ain’t all how bad it sucks – I have pics of progress in the bathroom, and some new enemies to be dealt with in the winter. (You don’t want to fuck with me & my record against yellow jackets in the fall . . .)

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4 responses

  1. Too long. Do it, call and make an appointment with Annette. I’ll let you in on a secret. I sent an e-mail to my Annette equivalent so I can see her again as well. Hmmm. You’d tell me to call and make the appointment and start going to al-anon again. That’s what you’d say I bet. So I’m sayin it to you :). Put on the oxygen mask sir.

    Luv ya,
    Ethel

    September 22, 2011 at 11:51 pm

  2. You are going thru a whole shit ton of changes right now, I would expect some depression and/or anxiety.

    It sounds like therapy would be a good idea for you, especially if you are struggling with your wifes refusal to quit drinking.

    I’m not sure how you handle it to be honest. You’re dealing with a lot!

    September 23, 2011 at 1:39 am

  3. Dude, make the call.

    I was wondering about the Al-Anon stuff. I hadn’t heard you mention it in a while.

    I understand the whole “my give-a-shit-meter-is-broken” thing. Hie thee to Annette and get that doohickey fixed. As someone who has spent some time in the past in the pits of the abyss, you don’t even want to saunter by. It does suck mightily.

    Brian, as others have said, you are dealing with a lot right now – some situational depression is almost to be expected. Talk it through with Annette. Get it out of your head.

    Best to you,

    Roxie

    September 23, 2011 at 6:33 am

  4. Hoping you will follow your initial instincts, Brian… go get some perspective, talk about it with someone, set some goals, and do what you do best: follow through.

    September 24, 2011 at 3:17 pm

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