Always tweaking something!

Product of Silence

Day 2344

This post inspired by Kristine over at Wait in the Van and is a

This versions prompt is “a letter you never intend send”

Heh. Off the top of my head I could do two three of them no sweat. Theoretically, one of them I’d never have to send because it’d be to me. Also theoretically, that might be the more interesting letter to post. Maybe I’ll do all three. Or not.

Here goes one of them.

Dear _ _ _ _,

You are fooled by your job. Your job allows you to appear to be grown up and mature. In reality you just tick items off a list, keeping up with the day to day requirements of the institution by which you are employed. You are fortunate there is a cycle to your job, anticipating things is so much simpler when you know what’s coming.

I find you to be emotionally immature. For now, you are placating a therapist and your friends at your meetings. They don’t understand the true nature of your immaturity, your failure to respond to situations in a mature, adult manner. You don’t see it because you think your reactions are perfectly acceptable.

I have trouble confiding in you because of these reactions. I tried testing the waters with a few innocuous observations. Your reactions, as expected, were overboard.

You’ve managed to fool people about your other little problem too – especially the therapist. She almost had ME convinced – but I resisted. Instead, I decided to sit back and wait. I work hard at not noticing every little detail when I get home like I had to do for so long. But it’s a learned habit, one that is harder to unlearn and may yet pay dividends in the future.

In the mean time I sit back and relax, waiting for the hammer to fall, because I am sure that one day you will slip too far and not be able to reel yourself back in. When that happens, you need to know two things:

A – I told you so.
B – This is why I took my commission for the estate settlement.

I will not tolerate another binge and I will not leave the house I have poured my blood, sweat and tears into. I wish you luck at either growing up, getting sober or finding a place to live.

You choose.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don’t think Kristine was expecting anything quite so dark. Maybe next time around I can be a little (or a LOT) lighter.

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11 responses

  1. I really liked this, dark or otherwise. The part about not confiding in someone because of a reaction? That resonates with this gal.

    January 22, 2011 at 9:10 am

  2. Dark, but so well said!

    January 22, 2011 at 9:38 am

  3. I really want the backstory, but only because I think that person you’re writing to? I think I’m related to him/her as well.

    Good piece.

    January 22, 2011 at 9:57 am

    • bikinfool

      Part of the back story is in the history here. Part of it is in another blog that I don’t update any more. I’ll have to see if I can pull the archives. I’ll send you a Readers Digest version separately.

      January 23, 2011 at 10:55 am

  4. Excellent! Sounds and smells pretty real. Hits home for me too – I’ll bet just writing that helped.

    January 22, 2011 at 11:43 pm

    • bikinfool

      The act of writing it really helped bring everything to the surface. Obviously have some things to work through.

      January 23, 2011 at 10:56 am

  5. Dark? Possibly. Powerful? Definately.

    January 23, 2011 at 12:57 am

  6. Oh, the above from “short yet sweet” is actually G.G. I must’ve forgotten to sign out of wordpress.

    January 23, 2011 at 12:58 am

    • bikinfool

      Hiya GG!

      I ought to add, there’s more to that story and I am far from innocent and pure. I definitely had my own part in this mess. We’re working through things and making pretty good progress. Bottom line, what I wrote is a chunk of the core of MY hang ups.

      January 23, 2011 at 11:00 am

      • G.G

        Heya! Had a conversation about perception yesterday and am struggling with how differently two people will see the same situation. Couldn’t help but think how I’d like to see the response to a letter like this. Not necessarily this specific letter but you get the idea. Its like those articles in a particular women’s magazine titled “can this marriage be saved?”. First you see the wife’s perspective, then the husband’s and thirdly the counselor weighs in. Lately I feel as though I’m living in a different world then my husband and obviously perceiving things differently then he is. It is good to know that some of that is a human condition and that it isn’t out of the ordinary to feel that way. And yeah, we are all far from pure ;). I’m so glad that you are able to say you are making good progress. I applaud you and hope to make the same statement someday.

        Yours in the struggle,

        -G.G

        January 23, 2011 at 4:30 pm

  7. So hard, isn’t it, to have to say things people don’t want to hear.

    January 24, 2011 at 9:01 am

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