Always tweaking something!

I got Very Little

Day 2189

I’m trying out this for more blogs to follow:

This is frightening. I have nothing post worthy to say, so I’ll likely fill a page with senseless drivel and post it anyhow.

Cindy made it to & from the out of state funeral service without incident. She got me a GPS for Christmas that we made good use of on our vacation – but I was the one driving the controls (for better or worse). For her trip, we programmed in all the addresses she’d need, got her comfy with choosing destinations and turned her loose. The odd thing is that after 40 some years of making that trip, the GPS picked an entirely different route than either of us was used to. Guess it worked, seeing as she successfully navigated both ways, eh?

My evening of bachelorhood also passed without incident. How can you screw up this schedule? – get home from work, grab dinner, feed the fish, head out to the weekly Al Anon meeting, get home again, putz around for a bit & hit the hay. Strenuous schedule.

Here’s another oddity. For the last week or so, I’ve been getting these nasty headaches, right behind my left eye. Feel not unlike someone is jabbing me with an ice pick. Once the headache starts, I notice that, geeze, I can’t get any air through the left side of my nose. A few blasts of Afrin, handful of (3) Advil and an hour later I feel human again. Know when I didn’t get a headache? The night Cindy was in Delaware.

She rolled in last night about 9:30 and sure enough, by midnight my head was throbbing. It kinda sucked because I really needed to be in at work by 7:00 this morning which means a 6:00 am wake-up call. Getting up at midnight to start my headache fix, knowing it’d be at least 30 minutes before I could get back to sleep wasn’t doing a lot to improve my mood either. Like I’m the one with the morning grump problem.

If this sinus headache thing keeps up, I’m going to have to break down and get it looked at. Which brings up problem number 29,402 – my primary care physician hightailed it for Atlanta last month and I have yet to pick a new doc. The good news here is that this doctors office had slowly migrated. Combining their moves with my own, I went from having a doc only 2 miles away to having to travel closer to 15 miles. Around here, that’s from the suburbs on the west side of the city (me) to the burbs on the east side (doc). Less than ideal. So now I get to look for a new doc. On the west side. That is hopefully has a similar demeanor to my former doc. Sometimes I think I’d like a more “in your face” approach, but it’s more likely I’d find that off-putting and end up switching. Truth be told – I’ve never switched doctors either. They have a way of leaving me.

Just got an electronic statement for my EZPass – that RF tag dealie we use to pay expressway tolls here in the north east. I just did a little summary from our vacation earlier this month. Between the New York State Thruway (I-90 for my purposes) I-95 through New Hampshire and I-95 & II295 in Maine we paid $25 in road tolls! That RF tag makes it too painless! The nice part? EZPass tagged cars get through the toll booths really fast. There are EZPass only lanes. Don’t know why people wouldn’t switch after seeing EZPass enabled cars zoom past long lines of cars waiting for the traditional toll paying ritual.

I’ve been trying to hold off on this one, but I gotta let some leak out. Cindy has asked me to be less of a Nazi when it comes to her & alcohol. So I’ve been trying that. I’ve shared that I think if she believes that she can control her drinking she’s just fooling herself. She’s stepping onto a very slippery slope. If and when she slips, I will maintain my non-Nazi position. However, with that she has to know that I will also not provide cover for her problem. I won’t blab it to the world (just the internet apparently) and I will do my damndest to not enable. I DO reserve the right to one very big “I told you so”.

That being said – I can see the escalation happening. When she got home from Delaware Wednesday night she apparently stopped and picked up a hip flask bottle of her favorite hooch. She helped herself to a single drink Wednesday night. I think. Last night, she was drinking when I got home. She apparently finished off that flask while I was mowing the yard (she was “doing laundry”) then poured herself a beer just before we hopped in the hot tub. (I had a single beer too – a Bar Harbor Brewery Summer Ale.) When a thunderstorm forced us out of the tub, Cindy helped herself to another beer. By then (to paraphrase George Thourogood), she was plenty high. I was plenty done for the night. Again, you could almost hear the ‘click’ as I disconnected.

I must re-affirm to Cindy just where I want this border to be – i.e. when she chooses to have more than one or two drinks, or gets to the point where it’s obvious to me that she’s been affected by booze, I choose to not have to deal with her. The question is when. We’re headed to a Pat Benatar & REO Speedwagon concert Sunday evening. Do I re-state the boundary tonight (Friday) and risk ruining the concert? Do I wait till the Monday after the concert, which happens to be the day before our next scheduled couples therapist visit?

My problem is I fret too much over the repercussions. I fret to the point where I just stuff the concerns and never raise a fuss. I fret the repercussions because my experiences with them are that they are never good. Never. Every time I try to trust that my boundary setting will be accepted by Cindy in a mature manner, that trust gets blown away. I may as well wrap my arm in steaks and stick it into a lion’s cage. The results are disturbingly similar.

So maybe rather than fret her reaction, as long as I’m reasonably certain what it’ll be, why not just get it over with? Treat it like pulling off a band-aid?

Friday night is gonna suck. I guess it’s better to be forewarned.

Updated because I noticed that I can’t use html attributes in the title. The title was supposed to be :I got Nuthin Very Little” and it looked like VERY poor grammar with the ‘Nuthin’ not crossed out. Granted, the grammar is still horrendous, but at least it looks like it wasn’t translated from Babylonian or something.


One response

  1. I don’t relish the conversation, but I am green about the concert. Love REO Speedwagon.

    August 20, 2010 at 3:35 pm

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