Always tweaking something!

Wednesday Wickedness

Day 2138

A kinda sorta post follows this weeks Wednesday Wickedness.

Hi and welcome to Wednesday Wickedness. We are like other memes in that we will ask you ten questions each and every Wednesday. But our little “twist” is that each week we will pick a famous person and pick ten of their quotes. Each of our questions will be based on the quotes. Got it? Great! Let’s begin this week’s meme!

Today we picked Lady Gaga. Here’s Wednesday Wickedness!

1. “Peace. it does not mean to be in a place where there is no trouble, noise, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.” Do you keep your cool no matter what is going on around you?

Generally, on the outside, yes. Time in Al Anon has also helped me to separate the wheat from the chaff and focus on what’s important, even when caught up in an apparent maelstrom.

2. “Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore.” Do you feel that career should be more important than your love life?

No. There must be balance. No one aspect of anyone’s life should completely define them.

3. “You have to be unique, and different, and shine in your own way.” In what way(s) do you feel that you are unique?

Dozens of ways. In my reaction to external events, my opinions, my way of doing things. I may share many of these traits with other people, but the total package of ME is unique.

4. “I want women — and men — to feel empowered by a deeper and more psychotic part of themselves. The part they’re always trying desperately to hide. I want that to become something that they cherish.” Do you feel that there is a part of you that you need to hide from most people?

That mean uncontrollable beast that can appear in a flash when I get over agitated. I am genuinely afraid of the fury I can feel concerning certain things. I work very hard at keeping my emotions on an even keel.

5. “Love is like a brick. You can build a house, or you can sink a dead body.” Have you ever held on to a relationship even though you truly knew it was already over?

You mean besides the one I’m trying to nurse along now? I’d have to say yes still. That affair thingy I had with Ms. CL. Probably lasted too long (lasted longer than I let on here). I think it’s completely kaput now, even though I miss certain aspects of that relationship deeply. And no – it wasn’t just the sex.

6. “Sometimes in life you don’t always feel like a winner, but that doesn’t mean you’re not a winner, you want to be like yourself.” Would your friends say that you are a winner in this game of life?

If you’re still alive, with your head above water – you’re a winner. Heck, Publishers Clearing House says I may be a winner nearly every month!

7. “A glamorous life is quite different to a life of luxury. I don’t need luxury. For years, I was practically broke but I was still very vain and glamorous. And I still am.” Can you tell us about a time when you were broke and yet still happy?

As a kid, I didn’t personally need money. Our family didn’t have a lot, there weren’t a lot of extra’s. But we were all happy people – satisfied with our position in thee grand scheme of things.

8. “I’m single right now and I’ve chosen to be single because I don’t have the time to get to know anybody. So it’s okay not to have sex, it’s okay to get to know people. I’m celibate. Celibacy’s fine.” Do you think staying celibate between relationships important?

Hell, I can stay celibate IN a relationship. Not by choice mind you . . .

9. “Fight and push harder for what you believe in, you’d be surprised, you are much stronger than you think.” Tell us about an incident where you were stronger than you thought you were.

I am a Heinze 57 mix of German, Scottish and a few other western European influences. I can make stubbornness do a really good impression of being strong – not only physically but mentally too. It’s in my genes.

For a specific incident – I’d refer to the second time I had to do what became a daily ritual for 4 months – pull the dry gauze dressing off of a 3″ diameter wound on my leg created by the removal of about a hockey pucks worth of dead tissue. The first time, I had n clue how bad it would hurt. Times 2 thru 100+, I knew full well how bad it was going to be, even WITH the vicodin working. Even Cindy said she’d rather push out another baby than go through that even once. I don’t know about that, but I can tell you it felt like you were peeling your skin off, down to the muscle fascia, in tiny 1/4 inch wide strips until you made a 3″ hole. 100 times. I’m amazed they (the doctors) trusted me to do it.

10. “I lie in bed and try to pray and breathe. I have a very overactive mind. I’m the sort of person who’d never take medication to calm myself. It’s maddening. But I love what comes out.” Do you feel that you always have the ability to calm yourself?

See #1. It’s a very handy thing to be able to step back, take a breath, re-assess things and find that inner peace, even if only for a moment.

In other news –

A hot tub is a GREAT sleep inducer. Until you have to get out and it’s only 55 Degrees & a little breezy. That drowsiness disappears.

At the request of my spouse, I am TRYING to pay less attention to things like her sobriety level when I arrive home. While to her I appear to be not noticing, I am in fact very aware of just what the situation is. It is NOT getting better. Our marriage counselor and my own 1 on 1 counselor are aware of this. I am sitting back, waiting for the big crash and burn so I can have my big “I told you so” moment. If and when that comes, I may or may not include the phrase “if you want to continue to live like this, find someplace else in which to do it.” I will not leave.

As a longtime married guy, it is pretty rare that I turn down an intimacy offer from the spouse. I did last week. That was weird.

It’s amazing what you can get a drunk woman to do in a hot tub 3 days after you turned her down because she was too drunk. Amazing but surprisingly, not much fun or satisfying.

For the record, I was not as sober as a VERY devout Mormon. In each case, I had consumed 2 bottles of very good beer over the course of the evening. 2 beers over 3 or 4 hours leaves me still able to legally drive by a large margin.

I lost a golf match to one of my boys. I must say, his play around the green has improved greatly. It was the difference Sunday. As usual, we all had a great time. (He only beat me by two strokes. I’ll get him next time)

For purposes of setting my own boundaries, crash & burn will be defined as 2 consecutive weeks with 3 or 4 drunken episodes each week. There’s been 2 since last Thursday. Last night was kinda mild.

I have a comment tumbling around in my head that has to do with double standards. I think it may evolve into an essay, so I’ll hold off on it for now.

Lovely bike ride in to work this morning. 50 degrees, 8mph tail wind or side wind, depending on my heading. The coolness kept the sweating down below my normal shirt soaking levels. I dread the ride home – 15 mph head winds on the trip to the Y, spin class for an hour, then the short 4 mile ride home with hopefully a little tail wind.

Back to the zoo . . .

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