Always tweaking something!

Quick & to Bed

Day 2014

Bowling tonight was very pedestrian.  Stringing strikes was difficult, room for error was non existent and mistakes were severely punished.  Luckily for me, I didn’t make too many bad mistakes and was rewarded by besting my average by a whopping 7 pins for the night.  Raised my average a whole tenth of a pin.  More importantly, team-wise we only took 2 of 8 points.  Rough night.

On that ‘stuff’ that came up in counseling the other night –

I mentioned my horrible timing Friday evening.  As things were drawing nearer a close with Bob, I had thi sudden urge to start taking notes for writing his obituary.  Of course, no one in the room had paper, so I cruised the 5th floor of the nursing home looking for anything to write on.  Came up empty.  Thought I struck gold with some construction and/or finger painting paper, but it was too buried to try and dig out.  Temporarily defeated, I headed back to Bob’s room only to find that I’d missed the moment.  I looked across the room to Cindy to try and get a read on her.  If she looked like she needed a hug or any kind of moral support, I could have waded through the humanity and offered some support.

My read?  Cindy was a blank.  No crying, not even a tear.  We all hung in the room for a bit, gathered things, packed a box, drew the divider curtain around Bob and headed out.  Notified the nurses, took care of business and headed out en mass for dinner.  Still no reaction from Cindy.

The next day (Saturday) we were at the funeral home making arrangements.  We were looking through verses to use on prayer cards and one or two sort of touched me, but one tore me up.  I had a more visceral, teary mucousy reaction than Cindy did.  I needed a Kleenex, she looked at me like, well, I don’t know.

Already covered the weekend’s drinking.  Not a binge, but not social either.  Worthy of note, but not alarm.  Janine (counselor) revealed that Cindy almost didn’t mention her dad’s passing in their 1 on 1.  Janine tried to elicit some type of response, get some sort of gauge on Cindy’s feelings towards the event and got no reading on her at all.

This worries Janine in that Cindy is stuffing her emotions on an event as significant as this.  She feels that it might signify that Cindy has progressed as far as she’s going to.  That’s where the “this might be as good as it gets” comes from.  Ideally, I want better than this.  Realistically, I know I could grow into something better eventually.  Pragmatically, why start over now?  Then again, why not start over?

See?  Processing to do.

Weather update.  Got 3 or so inches of snow during the day today.  We’re expecting 8 – 10 more overnight.  Gonna be a fun day traipsing all over the city.  I can’t wait.


One response

  1. Not that I’m the most emotionally healthy person on the planet, but my reactions would pretty much mirror Cindy’s.

    February 26, 2010 at 7:22 am

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